Displaying results for "personal"

Recently my Dad decided to move to Indiana to live with my brother and his family there.  He had been living with me and my younger brother here in California for over a year now.  But since my mom passed away in March, he’s not been very happy.  I could tell he wasn’t quite miserable here.  There are a variety of reasons, but I the main reason is this place holds too many memories of my Mom.  And the constant reminder only brought him pain.  She was his world for forty something years, and now he really feels alone, lost, and broken.

I didn’t want him to go, I wanted to take care of him.  I wanted to be a source of support for him.  I wanted to be selfish too and keep him here (for me).  I wanted my father around.  But in the end, I knew that he need to be where he could start to feel good again.  So he left this morning.  But right now, I feel like I’ve just lost another parent.

I’m home alone this week while my Dad and my brother drives to Indiana.  It’s so empty here.

5 notes | Posted Aug 19, 13 #personal

Brandon and I just spent over a month together.  He just left today, and I miss him already.  And I know he misses me too.  The last month+ was a good test of how well we could live together, as well as a really nice time to spend together and build memories together.

  • We went stalking his favorite band member at Disneyland
  • Painted together
  • Went to Palm Springs and celebrated our one year
  • Went to Universal Studios
  • Watched 4th of July fireworks at the beach
  • Went to Pride in San Diego
  • We painted potteries together
  • Went to Comic-Con together and cosplayed as Lemongrabs
  • Explored West Hollywood together
  • Saw lots of art museums together
  • Spent countless hours at different beaches
  • And finished off our time together with another weekend getaway at Palm Springs

I’m sure I’m leaving things out, but it was so much fun having him here.  All the conversations we had, all the adventures, and waking up together has made this summer gone by so fast.  I can’t wait to see him again soon, and to spend more time together (forever?). 

6 notes | Posted Jul 29, 13 #personal #brathaniel

My Dad and my sexuality

So apparently me being gay and out and proud has caused some stirs for the Vietnamese community in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Lincoln, NE was where I grew up and where my parents lived before we all moved California.  And realize I haven’t lived in Nebraska for 9 years because I’ve been away for school and lived on my own.

So while I we were eating dinner, Dad said that some people who know me through Facebook and have seen photos of me and my boyfriend hugging and holding each other, have brought it up to the attention of older Vietnamese folks there.  And a few days ago my dad got some phone calls where people inquired about my sexuality and asked what my Dad intends to do with it.  Apparently, there aren’t many out and proud gay Vietnamese there, and for me to be so out open on Facebook is a big deal!

Even though my Dad doesn’t always support my sexuality, because he says it’s wrong according to the Church, he still supports me for who I am.  I asked what he’s told people, and he said that he didn’t deny that I was gay.   He said that I am who I am, and there’s nothing to change about me.  He just have to live with like how I have to live with my “condition.”  

He also commented that people there don’t really understand and are too curious.  But I’m glad he told them what he did.  Who knows, maybe it could make a difference to a young gay Vietnamese who is growing up there.

Today, I also feel like I took a small victory toward being accepted fully by my Dad.  I know that one day, he’s going to think with his own mind and see that the Church is not right about gay sex/marriage.  One day, he’s going to be completely happy to see me with a gay family and children!  I know it.

So for those who want to know more of what my Dad thinks.  He thinks that homosexuality is normal because it exists.  But based on Church teachings, homosexual acts are sinful because gay sex is unnatural.  So he thinks it’s fine that I’m gay, but worries that me having gay sex will lead to eternal condemnation of my soul.  

I still have to convince him that gay sex like any other sex, is a mean of unifying two people who love each other.  And there is so sin in that!

And that I just want to be happy too!

16 notes | Posted May 21, 13 #gay #personal

I wanted to write something, like a poem, to dedicate to my Mom, but I couldn’t.  In searching all my feeling, I came up dry.  It’s not like I didn’t feel anything, but rather my emotions were brimming over and I found myself drowning in it.  I just know that I miss her very much.  I miss her like a child misses his mom, and time has slowed down excruciatingly, and time is unimaginably painful. 
I looked over old photos and videos of her, and it was hard to contain myself when I heard her voice again.  It’s been more than two months since I last heard her voice.  I was starting to forget what her voice sounds like.  Reminiscing, I was overcome with the greatest desire to be in her presence once more.  What I would give now to spend just one more day with her, to see her, touch her, and hear her voice.
It’s Mother’s Day, and it will be our first without her.  How I regret those years of being away for college and missing Mother’s Day.  If only I could bring back those days, I would let her know how much I love her and how thankful I am for her.  She was my friend, my trusted confidant, my moral compass, my teacher, and my world.  She was so selfless, and gave all her life for her family.  She died before I had the opportunity to give her the rest and luxury of retirement.  I wish I could have given her more.
People often say that a mother holds her children’s hands only for a short while, but their hearts forever.  Even though she’s no longer here, I know for certain that she he has my heart still, now and forever.
Thank you for your gift of yourself in my life.  You are my most precious treasure, and you will live on forever in my heart and mind.

I wanted to write something, like a poem, to dedicate to my Mom, but I couldn’t.  In searching all my feeling, I came up dry.  It’s not like I didn’t feel anything, but rather my emotions were brimming over and I found myself drowning in it.  I just know that I miss her very much.  I miss her like a child misses his mom, and time has slowed down excruciatingly, and time is unimaginably painful. 

I looked over old photos and videos of her, and it was hard to contain myself when I heard her voice again.  It’s been more than two months since I last heard her voice.  I was starting to forget what her voice sounds like.  Reminiscing, I was overcome with the greatest desire to be in her presence once more.  What I would give now to spend just one more day with her, to see her, touch her, and hear her voice.

It’s Mother’s Day, and it will be our first without her.  How I regret those years of being away for college and missing Mother’s Day.  If only I could bring back those days, I would let her know how much I love her and how thankful I am for her.  She was my friend, my trusted confidant, my moral compass, my teacher, and my world.  She was so selfless, and gave all her life for her family.  She died before I had the opportunity to give her the rest and luxury of retirement.  I wish I could have given her more.

People often say that a mother holds her children’s hands only for a short while, but their hearts forever.  Even though she’s no longer here, I know for certain that she he has my heart still, now and forever.

Thank you for your gift of yourself in my life.  You are my most precious treasure, and you will live on forever in my heart and mind.

14 notes | Posted May 12, 13 #personal #If you still have your mother(s) #treasure her

Today marks our 10th month together.  I know it’s just a number, but considering what we’ve been through, today serves as a reminder and celebration of how blessed we are to have each other.  It hasn’t been easy not seeing each other as often as we would like, and our relationship is not without troubles along the road.  But reflecting on what we have, I can firmly say that I have felt such genuine love and care from you, that I can’t see myself giving up.  I just want to keep on fighting whatever storms may come, and navigate through all our troubles so that we can reach our destined shore together.

And I want to say thank you Brandon, for being there for me in all my storms.  I love you and I can’t wait to see you next weekend!  Happy 10th!

33 notes | Posted Apr 25, 13 #personal #natey #brathaniel #gayyyyyyyyy

I’m back,

just right before my queue runs dry.  

But the last four days were really fun. We went away to Idyllwild, a small mountain town in the Mt. Jacinto State Park area.  The drive there was gorgeous and the town of Idyllwild was just so cute and cozy.  We had a nice little at a cozy inn with a little fire place.  It was truly nice to just get away from everything for awhile, and just spend time together.  We slept in late, hiked, explored the little town, and tasted some local food.

One memorable event was while hiking back, we heard someone cried for help.  We thought it was too far and couldn’t do anything about it and decided we would report it when we get back. But as we continued hiking, we got closer to the call and answered the cry for help.  We ended up rescuing this old lady who got lost from walking off trail.  

I just really enjoyed all the down time with him.  I’m sad he’s gone now, and I look forward to seeing him again next month.  

Thank you Brandon for this amazing trip.  

11 notes | Posted Apr 7, 13 #personal

I want to express a word of thanks to all who have sent me messages of condolences and encouragement.  I didn’t answer them all, and I’m sorry that I won’t get to them.  But I do appreciate all of you for caring and checking up on me.  It really means a lot, and it shows that there is a community on tumblr (even among those I’ve not close with).  Thanks again, and you guys sure are awesome!
-This is a photo of my mom from about 5 months ago-

I want to express a word of thanks to all who have sent me messages of condolences and encouragement.  I didn’t answer them all, and I’m sorry that I won’t get to them.  But I do appreciate all of you for caring and checking up on me.  It really means a lot, and it shows that there is a community on tumblr (even among those I’ve not close with).  Thanks again, and you guys sure are awesome!

-This is a photo of my mom from about 5 months ago-

8 notes | Posted Mar 24, 13 #mom #personal

Dreaming and Mourning

I haven’t been dreaming for about a week since Mom’s death.  Mostly, it was because I was too tired every time I go to bed.  It was either busyness from planning the funeral, hosting family, or something else that drained all energy out of me by the time I closed my eyes.  

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8 notes | Posted Mar 22, 13 #personal

Anonymous Asks

How old are you and how old is ur bf? You guys r very cute together btw! :)

Thank you, I think we are cute together too. ^^ My bf is 19, and I’m 26. People can say what they want about our age difference, but I don’t really care. I used to think it mattered, but it really doesn’t, because I know we’re gonna last forever! 

4 notes | Posted Jan 22, 13 #x #personal

Sometimes…

I wish I could be a more selfish person.  

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4 notes | Posted Jan 14, 13 #personal

The game of love

In the game of love, people always say, you should love less so that he loves you more.  And when he does, you have him in the control of your hands. That way, you won’t be hurt in the end - because you loved less, and he loved more.  That’s how you win the game!

But in my game of love, I’d rather be the loser.  I want to give it my all, and love more than he could ever love me.  I’d rather be in a competition of who could love more, not less.  I don’t care if I end up in tears for loving more, for giving more , and for attending to his every need. 

In my game of love, I win by loving more.

4 notes | Posted Jan 1, 13 #personal

This I resolve,

that in 2013, I won’t change a thing.  I’ll still be me, the person I’ve always wanted myself to be.  I won’t change under pressure, but be true to the visions I’ve set before me.   I will continue to be headstrong, persistent and resilient through hardships.  I will continue to work hard for my dreams - inching closer each day.  I will cry lots, like I have, but it will only let me know I’m still in touch and alive.  I will love and continue to be loving and kind to my family, my boyfriend, and all those around me.  I will forgive, pray, play, and make each day count.

I will be me, the same person I was and was meant to be.  In 2013 - I will be me.

5 notes | Posted Dec 31, 12 #2013 #resolution #new year #personal

I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long while.  So much was building up and I could not find any other way to release it but tears.  I needed someone to physically comfort me so bad, but I was just all alone.

I wanted to scream and cry and wail, but I was too afraid of my family around me knowing.  But then again, that made me want to scream even louder, so someone would take me away - to an insane asylum preferably, so I could finally have some peace and quiet.  But in the end, I couldn’t do that.  I have a burden to bear, and my burden alone.  I couldn’t worry anyone else.  I needed to be strong and carry things on so others could carry on as well.

Then I wanted to run away.  I schemed to get up in the middle of the night, pack up some clothes, and just drive away.  Anywhere, maybe first to the ocean to listen to the water - then anywhere away from humanity.  I wanted my family to wake up to see I’m gone, on Christmas’ eve - and cry over me.  But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t give them an extra burden to carry.  Then again, I wonder if I would even cause such an alarm.  But fearing that they do love me, I decided to stay.  They need me more than I need them.

So there I was, just crying myself to sleep at the same time trying to contain my cry as to not be discovered, I felt so lonely.  I needed my boyfriend to be there, but he was hundred of miles away.  At that moment, I felt an intense fear - fear of loss.  I’m losing my mother now, and I fear losing others around me. I especially fear losing my boyfriend.  I feel like every little thing in our long distance add to that fear.  I trust him - but I’m still afraid of losing him.  I feel like I have to do everything to keep him - and I want him to do the same.  And we are - but it never seems enough.

Fear-Sadness-Anxiety, I cried and fell asleep unknowingly.  I woke up, sadder than before - yet refreshed I have dried my tear.  I wonder if there’s any left in me to continue this day; but yet I got up and did my duties; continuing to be the bearer of burdens (for everyone’s sake).

4 notes | Posted Dec 24, 12 #personal

I fear the end is near…

I had an alumni gathering today, and when I got home, I saw my mom on the couch breathing from her oxygen machine.  Suddenly, my heart raced and I panicked to find out what was going on.  She had never needed oxygen before, so to me this was a very bad sign.  I was so scared.  I pretty much frozed as my brother and Dad hurried about with her oxygen.

Tonight, she’s sleeping with her oxygen on for the first time.  It scares me greatly because she has gotten so much weaker these recent days.  They say, that when the end is near, everything is sped up.  And I fear that is true.

My mom has been in hospice care since August when she decided to stop her cancer treatment (since it was showing very little effect on her).  This was a devastating decision for the rest of the family, but we soon accepted it and focused on supporting her.  I knew it would be hard, but seeing her in good health for the last few months had left me with a sense of false easiness.  In fact, she was only doing well on the outside thanks to her multiple pain meds; but in the inside, her body has been slowly falling apart.  I see it clearly now how much she has suffered.  By no mean can this be easy on her, no matter show strong of a face she puts up.

I fear the end is near.  I feel intense sorrow knowing this will be our last Christmas together.  I feel helpless, though I have accepted what is to come.  I just wish we have more time together.  I know it’s too much to wish for healing.  I just wish for more time.  

For anyone of you out there in a similar situation, my heart goes out to you too.  Slowly losing someone is the worst torture a person can experience!

9 notes | Posted Dec 17, 12 #personal #cancer #death

Another Shooting

Fashion Island Shooting

My family was going to go shopping at this mall this weekend and to look at the Xmas lights and all that, but it rained a little so they decided to stay home.

Fortunately, no one was hurt in this shooting where one man shot over 50 rounds at the shopping mall.  I’m so thankful no one was hurt, and that my family didn’t go there today.  Who knows what could have happened or the scares/trauma my elderly parents and young nieces they would have faced.

We seriously need better gun control laws!

3 notes | Posted Dec 16, 12 #personal